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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Twitter Query #fail

Tonight on twitter several agents started tweeting #thingsishouldnotseeinaquery.

And the more they posted, the more this pattern emerged. And I started thinking that someone could actually string all those tweets together and produce one gigantic query #fail. So I did.

haahahahahahhaha

Dear Agent,


Please pardon the intrusion. I know you are busy. I hope to arouse your interest. I really don't expect this to work, but I'm writing because of your impressive success in the Christian Republican genre. After reading about your expertise in the Christian Republican genre, I knew you would love this book because it has a strong pro-libertarian theme throughout, plus this is a story that God wanted to be told! So, I am writing to you personally. Besides, In your picture you look attractive yet approachable! Not to mention you come highly recommended by an a agent you don’t even know!

I am an escort working in Rome. I am 40 but advertise as 34, so keep the lights low. This story is a work in progress, and this is my first attempt to write, although I have been writing since I was seven years old. It is a clever coming of age story and will forever change the way we listen to people. Just in case you're up for a silly romp, I would like to take you on an adventure in a refreshingly new genre. So, If you're looking for a non stop adventure filled with action and thrills, look no further!!!

A blend of fantasy, action, YA, literary fiction, coming-of-age and paranormal romance, this book is Perfect for readers of all ages, and it has A plot sure to keep the pages turning. After finalizing my original draft of the book, I read it to two elementary classes to gauge interest, including my daughter's second grade class and it was a hit!!

I have been told that my writing is visual and exciting, so this book is sure to take the reader on a fun filled journey from beginning to end with superb writing. I think it will tug at your heartstrings, since this is a book with excellent storytelling.

This is memoir was largely inspired by the Twilight series, although if you read my situation below is an awesome true story that will be a best seller, because I am really quit unremarkable in all ways . This is very much the type of story George Clooney likes to sink his teeth into, capable of winning awards. I think it also said, "promotion should be easy b/c I look like Bon Jovi."

So with no further ado I would like to introduce to you this series of novels, they run backwards but can be read in any order. A new inspirational and spiritual movie script It tells through dialogue, which makes it an easy crossover into a screenplay with or without a narrator. We see the end all of the characters and the reasons for their particular ends. The environment spans a period of approximately 20 years shown in retrospect to the audience."

I’m not the best negotiator, so several film studios did not produce my screenplay. And I won't bother you with the tales I could tell about attempting to get published. However, I am a successfully published author: TITLE (Authorhouse/Xlibris/Lulu, YEAR. The aforementioned is currently in print through self publishing.

Unfortunately, I enjoy writing more than I do searching for an agent. Even though I never intended a career in writing, at least not creative writing, but I needed a new creative outlet. My major output has been technical and business reports. I am aware of archetypal patterns in literature, but I’ve always felt the stories can be insulting towards certain subcultures. But knowing you to be looking for literary historical romance, I am contacting you about a big literary idea that I have been itching to write and get distributed. I am positive that it will be a colossal seller. I'm hoping this book can be out by valentine’s day because timing is perfect!

I am looking for a major deal--six figures--not some BS offer. I've attached the first chapter as a PDF. If you wish to read more of my novel, please visit trishmccalln.com. Or better yet, please e-mail me a submission form if you are interested. I just received your details via Linkedin, so I should be available at all times and I can meet if needed to better pitch my idea.

Please respond as soon as possible with your offer, since I have sent this to another 500 agents I found in Writers Market.

Trish McCallan


hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha

These were the tweets posted on twitter. I used ALL OF THEM. Well, at least the ones I saw.

I needed a new creative outlet."


have an epic tale in that is yearning to be told." #soundscontagious

"I am really quit unremarkable in all ways

"Perfect for readers of all ages."

"I know you are busy."

"is a work in progress."

"I'm writing b/c of your impressive success in [a genre I've never handled & don't care to]."

"I have been writing since I was seven years old."

"In reading about your expertise in the [genre I have never represented] genre..."

"Please pardon the intrusion."

"I hope to arouse your interest."

It is a clever coming of age story."

"My major output has been technical and business reports."

"This is a book that will forever change the way we listen to people."

"Dear Agent..."

"I would like to take you on an adventure in a refreshingly new genre."

ColleenLindsay "I am looking for a major deal--six figures--not some BS offer." [from a query last wk.]

"This is a book with excellent storytelling."

"This is a book that is currently in print through self publishing."

I think it also said, "promotion should be easy b/c I look like Bon Jovi."

"This is my first attempt to write."

"I've attached the first chapter as a PDF."

If you're looking for a non stop adventure filled with action and thrills, look no further

"This book has a strong pro-libertarian theme throughout."

A blend of fantasy, action, YA, literary fiction, coming-of-age and paranormal romance.

A plot sure to keep the pages turning."

"I've read this book to my daughter's second grade class and it was a hit!

I am writing to you personally.

"In your picture you look attractive yet approachable"

You come highly recommended by [Agent I don't know, and have never talked to]"

I am an escort working in Rome. I am 40 but advertise as 34, so keep the lights low."

"I would like to introduce to you a new inspirational and spiritual movie script." #thingsishouldnotseeinaquery

"I really don't expect this to work."

"Several film studios did not produce my screenplay

"I am a successfully published author: TITLE (Authorhouse/Xlibris/Lulu, YEAR)"

ust in case you're up for a silly romp."

I have been told that my writing is visual and exciting."

he environment spans a period of approximately 20 years shown in retrospect to the audience."

t tells through dialogue, which makes it an easy crossover into a screenplay with or without a narrator."

We see the end all of the characters and the reasons for their particular ends."

Sure to take the reader on a fun filled journey from beginning to end with superb writing"

Read my situation below is an awesome true story that will be a best seller."

he type of story George Clooney likes to sink his teeth into, capable of winning awards."

fter finalizing my original draft of the book, I read it to two elementary classes to gauge interest."

I think it will tug at your heartstrings."

"I’m not the best negotiator."

This is memoir was largely inspired by the Twilight series."

This series of novels runs backwards but can be read in any order."

I just received your details via Linkedin."

"I won't bother you with the tales I could tell about attempting to get published."

I am aware of archetypal patterns in literature

Unfortunately, I enjoy writing more than I do searching for an agent."

never intended a career in writing."

The stories can be insulting towards certain subcultures."

I'm hoping this book can be out by [holiday that's two months away], b/c timing is perfect!"

If you wish to read more of my novel, please visit [insert website URL]."

I am contacting you about a big literary idea that I have been itching to write and get distributed."

I am positive that it will be a colossal seller.

I should be available at all times and I can meet if needed to better pitch my idea."

"Please e-mail me a submission form if you are interested."

"Knowing you to be looking for literary historical romance."

10 comments:

  1. Bwahahhaaa!

    I dunno, though... there weren't nearly enough mispelings or bad 'tractions.

    Thanks for starting my day off right!

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  2. ROTFLMAO-

    They posted a couple more #thingsishouldnotseeinaquery this morning, so I managed to slip them in.

    I particularily liked the "this is a story that God wanted told." There was a perfect spot for that one.

    It's so hard to believe someone actually sent a query that had these phrases in them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hilarious! It almost makes me feel sorry for agents.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's rather amazing, don't you think, how all of their tweets kind of fit together? LOL

    It was rather like putting a puzzle together, this piece goes here and this one over here. *grin*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Edie,

    It's amazing to me that some of these were even sent...makes me wonder if any of the authors were joking, unfortunately--I suspect not.

    On the other hand, I have been terribly tempted to send this query to the two agents who were posting the tweets. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh man, one of mine is there!!! Hahaha! Umm really, not really.. ;) that is hilarious!

    (makes notes to self)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Eisley,

    I was worried everytime they posted a line that I'd recongize one of my own. ROTFLMAO.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That is absolutely hilarious! It's so bad, it's good.
    Veronica

    ReplyDelete